*** QUESTION ***
Hi Shiva,
I am getting married in 3 months. I have had sex before, but my
bride-to-be is a virgin (I know that for sure). Anything I need to
be careful about? Anything I can do or say to make her comfortable?
Any words of wisdom? :)
- gd, from Bangalore, India
>>>MY COMMENTS:
A woman's first experience with vaginal intercourse can be awesome
or awful, depending on how you both make love. Whether it's her
first time ever, or just her first time with you, the below
suggestions could help maximize pleasure for both of you.
MAKE HER LAUGH
If a woman feels anxious about making love, the best way to relax her is
to make her laugh. Say something funny, have a silly pillow
fight, tickle her until she's laughing uncontrollably... a relaxed
woman is sexually more responsive.
MORE FOREPLAY
All the techniques to arouse a woman become extra important when the
woman is sexually inexperienced. Give her more caressing, more kissing, more nibbling than you usually would. Don't forget lots of
gentle, clitoral stimulation.
DIM LIGHTS
Many women, especially the sexually inexperienced, are
self-conscious about their naked bodies. Find out if she will be
more comfortable with the lights off or with low light. The soft
glow of candle lights can be a sensuous option too.
UNDERSTAND HER FEARS
The normal muscle tension in the face or body just before orgasm
can cause peculiar fears in some inexperienced women. She may fear
that she appears physically unattractive. Or she may fear losing
control of her bladder or bowels, and that it may cause her partner
to ridicule her. These fears may delay or prevent her from
experiencing orgasm; she may come close to orgasm but then tense up
suddenly and lose the feeling. A woman who doesn't completely trust
her partner is more vulnerable to such fears.
---------------------------------------------------
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BREAKING THE HYMEN
If the girl has her hymen intact, it's best broken with one quick
thrust of the penis, rather than prolonged pressing against it
which she might find painful. Note:
lack of a hymen does NOT indicate
a lack of virginity. These days, many women break their hymen long
before they have sex, either because of tampon insertion or while
performing vigorous activities like bicycle riding. And some women
are born without a hymen.
SUGGESTED SEX POSITION
Sexually inexperienced women are sometimes anxious about the
thought of a penis penetrating her; she has often heard of the
pain this brings. The most suitable sex position to relieve such
anxiety is one which puts her in control, and lets her decide when
penetration should happen, and also the depth & speed of thrusting.
All woman-on-top positions give her this control. Don't hesitate to
use lubricant liberally; KY jelly is an excellent lubricant, and is
easily available in India (where you live).
REASSURE HER
Even if you do everything right, she may still be too anxious to
express orgasm. Assure her that a woman often cannot experience
orgasm the first time she has sex. In fact it can take several
times for a woman to feel comfortable enough with sex to express
orgasm.
HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF THE WEDDING NIGHT
It is important to have realistic expectations of your wedding
night. After the stress of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations,
it is natural for newlyweds to not feel "sexy". Sometimes it's
a good idea to just kiss, cuddle and rest. Intercourse can wait
until you are both rested and relaxed.
In some non-western cultures, the newlyweds barely know each other
when they are married. Their first ever opportunity to interact freely is
on the wedding night, in the bedroom!
Remember, most
women cannot
get physically aroused unless she has built some mental rapport with
the man. If the man insists on sex before this happens, it can be outright painful for her, both psychologically and physically.
My recommendation for men in non-western cultures :
DON'T have sex on the first night (relax tiger, you've got the rest of your life to do it).
Instead, spend the first couple of days getting to know each other. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her about her fears & concerns, her dreams & hopes. If she's scared to have sex, tease her about it, make fun of her in a loving way. But assure her that you'll not force her to do anything she's not comfortable doing. Tell her what
you find sexy about her, the shape of her eyes or the way she speaks, or the way her hair curls over her forehead or whatever else that you have
found attractive. If she is up to it, caress, kiss, cuddle. Only then have
intercourse.
Friends first, THEN sexual partners. |
Here's a quick little checklist that will help you.
- Shower together before making love. This will take care of any
hygiene issues either of you may have.
- Don't focus on your penis, or on how long your erection will
last, or whether she thinks you're a super stud. Focus on just one
thing : how to give each other PLEASURE.
- Stay away from her intimate zones like lips, breasts and
genitals. Make love to the rest of her body before going to her
intimate zones.
- Before you touch between her legs, explore every bit of the rest
of her body. Don't even touch between her legs until she wants you to.
Women don't enjoy being touched there until they are aroused enough.
Say, "I won't touch you between your legs until you take my hand
and put it there". Then keep your word. It's a simple gesture but
the control it gives her helps her get aroused faster.
- Give her feedback when you enjoy anything she does. If you
don't like something she does, don't criticize her in bed, such
discussions are best had outside the bedroom, when you are in a
non-sexual environment, over coffee or during a walk.
- The first few times you have sex, let her be on top. This will
put her in control which will relax her and help her get aroused
more easily. This is what woman-on-top looks like http://bit.ly/bCvE4S
- If you come too soon or you lose your erection don't lose your
cool and don't blame her. Accept it with a sense of humor, and say,
"You got me so excited, I just couldn't control myself".
- Have realistic expectations. Any new sexual relationship takes
time and practice to get really good.
Take the Good Lover Test here http://bit.ly/cqKsej
When you can honestly answer YES to all the questions there, you can
be sure you're a great lover. :)
>> IN SUMMARY:
Making love to a virgin is a pleasure that comes with
responsibilities.
As the first man to make love to her, you can put her on the road to
a fulfilling sex life or you can fill her head with all kinds of sexual fears
and anxieties.
To send me a Question, Comment or Topic suggestion, please visit
this page www.betterloverseminar.com/mailbag
Until next time.
SHIVA
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Sex With A Virgin
The most important things to keep in mind!
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